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Useful advice for handling toxic parents

Not everyone has the privilege to grow up in a loving family without problems. But then, yet again, there is no one family without issues. So the question is, is it possible to deal with toxic parents?

But before we answer that question, do you know the signs of one? Heidi McBain, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shares it in a straightforward way for us to understand. “Everything revolves around them first and foremost,” she commented.

According to experts, here are the seven signs to guide you in identifying a toxic parent:

Asks you to parent them
Neglects your feelings or safety
Doesn’t respect set boundaries
Physically or emotionally abusive
Their needs take priority over yours
Gets bitter over your independence
Their raised voice or potential argument scares you

For those who think they might be a victim of toxic parenting, here is some useful advice that may help you handle it.

#1: Reach out for some support

Continuously being in the loop of a toxic environment can be devastating. It would make sense for you to reach out for some outside support from trusted friends or extended family members.

Having someone in your life that understands what’s going on, even if you don’t want to talk about it can help rough it out. Suppose you’re staying with your parents; a meet-up session outdoors can also provide you with a much-needed respite from your demanding parents.

#2: Meet them when you want to

a lady with a face mask knocking on the door

Image Credits: AARP

This tip can coincide with drawing boundaries that we will detail in the next point. If you hate spending the weekend, public holidays, or rest days with your parents, then don’t!

Spending time with them on your terms is going to help improve your viewpoint of the situation. It may even enhance your relationship with them in the long run because you are no longer dreading time together but looking forward to it because you’re treading along your choice.

But we are aware it’s easier said than done. Thus, this is where the next piece of advice will come in handy.

#3: Impose boundaries

Remember we mentioned in the introduction that a toxic parent does not respect set boundaries? Regardless of that, it is still essential to impose one or a few because it’s necessary to maintain your emotional and mental health in such a family environment.

Yes, you might feel like you don’t possess the “right” to set up a boundary, but think about it. It could just be the very thing that your toxic parent has taught you to believe all along. Boundaries are crucial for any relationship, though they may be challenged in a difficult one.

McBain suggests that we start small. For example, “I can’t talk on the phone while I’m at work.” can help you build your way to “I will be spending Christmas with my partner’s family this year.”

#4: Don’t see change as an aim

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Once you are aware that your parents are toxic, it’s possible to want to change them. You know what? Don’t. It may be impossible to change anyone’s behaviours instantly, and it’s probably only going to end poorly.

Instead, focus on changing your behaviour or perspectives to make the situation better going forward. Sharon Martin, a licensed counsellor and psychotherapist, rightly shares her view in her article titled “You Can’t Solve Other People’s Problems: How to Stop Trying to Change Others”.

She says, “Try to focus on what’s in your control and the problems that you can solve. And remember that if you’re feeling particularly frustrated with your inability to change or solve a problem, you may be trying to solve someone else’s problem.”

#5: Pen down your emotions

As we come to a close, we want you to know that we understand how difficult it is to be at a toxic parent’s beck and call, 24/7. Not only is this unreasonable, but it’s also emotionally draining.

As such, take time to journal down your emotions. While talking about a problem to a trusted friend or relative is useful, they are two separate matters. Journaling practices can lead to various positive outcomes on happiness, goal attainment, and even several regards of physical health.

If you’re seriously considering therapy with a certified professional, then journaling would assist you in sharing your thoughts better during those sessions.

Final thoughts

a woman sitting on a chair facing the window

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Realistically speaking, most of us face toxic parents to varying degrees, and there’s no right or wrong method to deal with them. But if there’s one thing you can do, that is to ensure that you put your needs first and reach out for support before you explode.

If it helps, impose boundaries and schedule a meeting on your terms. Don’t see changing them as your ultimate goal because that will only frustrate you further. Also, consider spending some time penning down your thoughts and signing up for regular therapy sessions to help you cope better.

Sometimes, professional guidance can aid us to put things into perspective. Cheer up!

What is nomophobia? Can you deal with it?

In the “new normal”, the decrease in regular in-person connection has skyrocketed digital devices usage. You might probably even be reading this right now on your mobile phone. With over 3.5 billion smartphone owners in the world as of last year, there’s bound to be a lot of screen time logged!

Even though going on social media and watching YouTube videos can provide an escape from our present lives and offer an invaluable convenience that we’ve never had before, this accessibility can easily lead to phone addiction.

Phone addiction has become so bad that it’s even given a label called nomophobia.

What is nomophobia?

Image Credits: The Telegraph

The term nomophobia is made up of these words – no mobile phone phobia. It’s known as a psychological state where a person dreads being away from their phone.

Do you think you might be suffering from this condition? Well, if you’ve ever had an irrational fear of going somewhere without your phone, even for an hour or two, you might want to learn about how to combat this addiction.

Yet you might be wondering, why would you even need to stop using your smartphones as often? With quality cameras, Google at our fingertips, and an access line to our loved ones, there shouldn’t be any significant disadvantage to being addicted to our phones, right?

Wrong. If you’re not aware of the statistics, you should know that an average user touches their phone 2,617 times and unlocks it 150 times within a single day. In fact, it’s not just adults who are unhealthily attracted to their phones.

Dr Carol Balhetchet, a clinical psychologist in private practice, said, “Children love smartphones because it gives them easy access to a new world of information, social media and friends on a universal level, quite similar to the adults and everyone else.”

This amount of addiction can quickly produce noticeable physical effects, like the inability to concentrate, a feeling of isolation, lack of exercise, and a fear of missing out. Mental repercussions include loneliness and depression, anxiety, stress, superficiality, and less sleep. These issues can even be worse in kids and teenagers.

Thankfully, there are many practical tips to overcome phone addiction before it becomes too late. Keep reading for tips to stop your phone from overtaking your life.

#1: Enter silent mode

With a simple configuration, you can silence those phone notifications that compete for your attention and drag it away from your present task at hand. It’s one of the easiest ways to start tackling phone addiction.

#2: Drop the colours

Image Credits: Cult of Mac

The more colours something has, the more psychologically appealing it may be to you. By turning on grayscale for your phone, staying on screen for more extended periods suddenly might not seem as attractive anymore.

Please don’t take our word for it. Former Google design ethicist Tristan Harris shared that going grayscale removes positive reinforcements and dampens that urge to keep up with mobile games or social media feeds.

#3: Set a screen time

Try downloading an app or using the pre-programmed feature on your phone to have it forcibly limit your screen time after a certain number of hours. It’s like going cold turkey, but it works. I have it on my iPhone, and it does miracles to stop me from doomscrolling.

#4: Put it at a distance

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You know the saying, “out of sight, out of mind”? One of the reasons why phone addiction is so powerful is because we have it right within reach. If you leave it somewhere far from you, like in your closet or by your door, you will find it easier to forget about it.

For those working from home and need their phones by their side to work efficiently, by all means, go ahead. But peeps who are preparing to get their shuteye at night, putting it at a distance will assist you to sleep better.

#5: Leave it with someone

To truly commit yourself to tackle this addiction, you might want to leave your phone with a trusted friend or loved one. Share with them your nomophobia and advise them to not give your phone to you under any circumstances until an agreed amount of time has passed.

#6: Try decluttering

four frequently used apps on a phone screen

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For folks who have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), keeping things symmetrical or in perfect order may resonate very well. But for those on the opposite spectrum, you may find your phone’s home screen flooded with all kinds of applications.

You know what? Just as you’ve done spring cleaning for Chinese New Year, do it for your smartphones right now. These seemingly harmless apps may be the culprit behind your increased screen time. We guess you don’t need to keep three photo editing apps on your phone, huh?

Reward yourself over mini-milestones

Trying to break away from nomophobia is hard work. Because it’s not easy, give yourself some rewards for your time and dedication.

Every mini-milestone you reach, go ahead and treat yourself to something nice. For example, if you’ve kept to your limited screen time for three consecutive days or a week, then isn’t that a valid reason to rejoice?

How To Train Your Replacement

April 2021 marks my fifth year in the company that I have grown to love. As I explore other possibilities and leave my position as a directress vacant, it is my responsibility to train my replacement. I realized the importance of ensuring that someone else was able to do my job early on. I took the liberty to help my fellow directresses too.

It was not because I had brilliant foresight. Rather, it is due to the fact that I had an unpleasant experience during my turnover process. The person who was supposed to mentor me did not want to leave her post. Her bitterness was evident as she prolonged her exit. Nonetheless, I took it as an opportunity to learn from her. I did not want to make my replacement feel the same thing. Expanding the knowledge of others around you is necessary to keep the business moving forward.

Training your replacement does not have to be difficult or awkward. It just needs to be well-thought-out. Do you still remember the first time you picked up a task that was unfamiliar to you? The rollercoaster of emotions you felt on your first day as the boss is something that your apprentice will go through. You need to guide your replacement through methods or instructions on how to complete the tasks.

Start by providing a list of duties or a training manual. I, for one, have a copy of the Directress Training Manual. It is a comprehensive guide divided into several parts such as handling parents’ concerns. In addition to including the job description and important forms, you need to provide detailed instructions for each task. Allow the person to follow along and ask questions whenever necessary.

You read that right! You need to be prepared to answer questions and clarify instructions. Do not assume that your replacement will be able to absorb everything in a day. They will require both verbal instruction and hands-on experience. If he forgot a step during training, patiently remind him of what he missed.

Demonstrate how the duties are done. Watching you go through the steps will help the person feel the depth of your instructions. Make them feel comfortable by letting them seat down and write down notes. As long as you are still receiving paychecks from the company, you are part of the team. Stay professional at all times.

Arrive on time and dress accordingly to the company’s policy. Do not make your replacement feel that you do not care because you are leaving soon. Instead, become a positive role model to him or her. Be prepared with today’s agenda and monitor the trainee. Lastly, introduce him to the people in your office.

Image credits: pixabay.com

Show where your supplies, restrooms, and documents are. Tour him in the office and introduce him to your co-workers. This simple gesture can mean a lot. Let your trainee know what you are expecting to achieve within the day and impart your knowledge on the workplace culture. These details will help him as he adjusts to the new position.

Best of luck!

Things to contemplate when your parents ask you for money

As your parents grow older, they may require extra money. Medical bills, unexpected repairs, or lifestyle needs may drive them to ask you for financial help.

It could also be due to the instability in financial markets affecting their retirement funds. Or they may be concurrently facing many of these problems. As their beloved child, you want to help – but the question is – is it a good idea to give them money?

Here are some things to contemplate before you decide if you should or should not.

#1: Their reasons for needing more money

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When you’re considering giving your parents money, it is essential to understand why they need the money. Understanding the reasons will help you determine the best way to assist them.

Maybe it could be a loss of income or savings? Or it could be a hike in sudden expenses related to home/car repairs or medical spendings that exceed your parents’ financial means. These situations are relatively straightforward, and it would be appropriate for you to extend a hand.

On the other hand, if they need money because of bad financial choices – gambling or alcoholism – you should rethink the situation. In such circumstances, financial assistance might be enabling your parents, not supporting them.

So what’s the difference?

#2: Contrast between supporting and enabling

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There’s a subtle difference between supporting and enabling your parents. Supporting someone is providing them access to a need they are not able to meet. While enabling someone is when you are doing something for them that they should be doing on their own (or should not indulge in at all).

Giving money to your parents to help them pay bills, maintain their home, or go through a minor surgery are examples of supporting them. But if your mum or dad bust the month’s budget on Toto and beer, lending them money may reinforce their negative behaviours and be harmful in the long run.

#3: Is it within your means?

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Once you have understood the nature of their problem and decided to help, you must evaluate if it’s within your means. Consider these questions now:

What are your financial resources?
Do you have surplus income or cash at hand?
Do you have liquid assets available, or can you sell surplus possessions or investments?
Can your brothers and sisters help, and if so, to what degree?

No matter the need, you should not overextend your finances or jeopardise your financial future. Putting yourself deep into debt to support your parents, or putting off a significant life event such as buying a home or having a child, is unwise.

Straining yourself by giving more than you can afford can lead to feelings of bitterness and resentment. Trust us; this will become a major source of stress in your life as you age and face your own set of money problems later.

#4: Have you talked with your partner?

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If you are married or in a long-term committed relationship, you must include your partner in your financial decision-making.

It is likely that your spouse doesn’t feel comfortable or render the situation feasible to give your parents money. That’s why having a dialogue is a basic form of respect for each other.

Should your partner be welcoming of the idea, you should establish in clear terms how much money you are giving or lending your parents and what the agreements are. You should also evaluate the likely needs of your partner’s family needing financial aid soon.

Factoring all the above can aid you in making better money calculations.

#5: Do you have a set of terms?

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Before writing your parents a cheque or handing them a stack of cash, you must put forth a definite set of terms. Here are some questions to guide you:

Is this sum a gift or a loan?
Have you agreed to a one-time loan, or is it an ongoing disbursement?
Where will this money be immediately spent?
Will they repay you – and if so, when and how?

Having a detailed conversation with your parents is essential. If your parents are okay with it, ask them to put the agreement in writing. This could minimise potential conflicts and finger-pointing as time goes by.

Find other ways to help

Those who do not have the financial means to assist their parents should not worry too much. There may be other ways to offer a hand.

For example, you can hands-on the minor home or automotive repairs or get them their weekly groceries. You can also work with them to find less expensive solutions to the problems that led them to need money in the first place. Or maybe you can offer some advice on planning a budget.

The help your parents need may not always be in the form of cold hard cash. Take some time to contemplate the points mentioned in this article to determine whether it is good to give your parents money. We hope you will settle on a suitable approach to the issue soon!

5 ways to lift pressure off your nervous system

Amid the prolonged pandemic, it feels like stress is building up more quickly than ever. Between school, work, family, and current events, nothing seems to be letting up.

While the psychological effects of constant stress and anxiety can be crippling, the truth is that physiologically, our nervous system takes a big hit every time our stress mounts.

What is the nervous system?

The nervous system is a core part of our body that helps us function daily. Cleveland Clinic defines it as our body’s command centre.

It explains: “Originating from your brain, it controls your movements, thoughts and automatic responses to the world around you. It also controls other body systems and processes, such as digestion, breathing and sexual development (puberty).”

Hence, when it’s not in good shape, every part of us suffers. The best way to ease up on that stress is to try and give your nervous system a break actively. However, it’s something that might seem easier said than done.

Thankfully, there are some scientific methods you can rely on to help you stay calm and lift pressure off your nervous system! Read on.

#1: Apply pressure

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Didn’t we just mention that we will introduce some methods to help you lift the pressure off your nervous system? Yes, don’t get us wrong when we say to apply pressure. Hear us out.

The nervous system is a bundle of nerves that spread throughout our entire body and are responsible for our sensation and perception of pain, temperature, and many other experiences.

When our nervous system is in overdrive, one of the easiest ways to immediately calm it down is to apply pressure to many nerves at once to smoothen out the sensory overload.

According to Healthline, pressure gives the brain proprioceptive input, leading to a calming effect on our nervous system. To achieve the outcome, you can purchase compression items of clothing, a weighted blanket, or even request a tight hug from a loved one!

The abovementioned methods can help soothe your nerves and drown out excess sensation.

#2: Get moving

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We’re not contradicting ourselves when we say to get moving. That’s because physical activity is another proven reliever of nervous system overload.

Whether it’s the act of shaking off or even just a simple exercise, physical activity releases positive hormones that can help our nervous systems process surplus energy and generally achieve a more harmonious balance.

Based on a Harvard Medical School article, regular aerobic exercise can provide stimulation and calmness and even counter depression and dissipate stress. Cardio is an excellent way to achieve stress relief quickly, but something as simple as a stretching routine can also facilitate.

#3: Take a warm bath

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Do you know that heat has been a natural pain reliever for many people starting from the ancient days?

Contact with heat, whether through a sauna, a heating pad, or even just general sunlight, can help reduce pain, cramping, inflammation, and even induce endorphins, the chemicals that support happiness and relaxed feelings.

“Your skin releases endorphins in response to the soothing warm water the same way that endorphins are released when you feel the sun on your skin,” says Dr Bobby Buka, a dermatologist based in New York.

A hot bath is a great way to put your oversensitive self on rest mode until you feel rejuvenated enough to return to the busyness of life.

#4: Concentrate on your breathing

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Breathing is one of the easiest ways to calm down your nervous system immediately. Are you aware that your natural breathing rhythm frequently changes throughout the day?

If you’ve noticed you’re suddenly anxious, stressed, or out of breath, you’re likely experiencing a quicker breathing rate as well. The right way is to pause and start taking deep, cyclical breaths that draw on your entire lung capacity.

This should help reset your natural breathing rhythm and return to a sense of overall equilibrium. Even if you’re not facing any immediate source of stress, it’s still wise to practise daily breathing exercises to improve lung health.

#5: Decrease caffeine intake

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Though coffee can help boost your metabolism and help you digest faster, it fires up your brain’s receptors and makes everything shift into hyperdrive. When it comes to lifting pressure off your nervous system, that is a clear no-no.

The more caffeine you drink, the more strain you put on your nervous system. Give your nervous system a break by easing up on caffeine! You will notice how much easier it is for you to rest afterwards.

And of course, other than a better sleep, going caffeine-free has its own set of benefits. This includes having a better absorption level for micronutrients, lowering the risk of heartburn, and may even help keep wrinkles at bay!

Final thoughts

Our nervous system is working hard every single moment to make sure we function right. Isn’t it fair that we give it some tender loving care too?

If you want your entire system to take you through the rest of your life on earth without any significant problems, heed some of the above tips to lift the pressure off it.